Am I?

It's been a while since my last post here. A lot has happened lately. Some things are good and others are not so good to be told and my emotions have been going up and down. There are times I feel like crying, full of regrets, and lonely. I know I've been surrounded with my family and good friends, but it is just the feeling of loneliness. Despite their presence there is this emptiness swallowing me up.

I've always wanted to write and write and nothing else. Through it I can express what  I felt and everything going on in this crazy head. But some things are not even worth to write, and even if its worth sharing, I'm afraid to get judged and be judged by those mindful and thoughtless people. I've even asked myself why I am feeling this way. I seem like a different person, different from what and who I wanted to be.

I'll be soon a mother of two. Being pregnant is not that easy, especially when your husband is away. Hormones are in a rush, affecting my behavior. They said that its just normal for a pregnant woman. I can say, yes, maybe. But there are reasons where hormones are not to be blamed. Ask my husband, and you'll know.

Lately, I've been sent for a leadership training. They said I have the potentials of being a leader. Do I? Yes, maybe. But I know deep within myself I have the qualities of being a bitch sometimes and we all have it. People tend to push us around, pushing and pushing till we reach our limits and end of patience. Pressures from family, work, friends, and the inner struggle of doing what they wanted and what you wanted to be are just things that make easy things difficult to handle.

I've been thinking a lot, sometimes over thinking things. Is it normal? or I am just so afraid that things might not happen the way I planned or wanted to be. My husband said I tend to over think and make simple things get complicated. Yes, I know it. It's because I want to know a lot about it, to explore options and resources, to make it happen, to make it like this. I'm autocratic, idealistic, and straightforward, but this does not mean I'm a bad person. Am I?